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Dr. John Gottman, founder of the Gottman Institute, reflected, “We are born in relationship, we are wounded in relationship, and we can be healed in relationship” (Hendrix, 2007). Our early experiences with caregivers deeply shape how we connect with others. These foundational dynamics often resurface in adult romantic relationships, especially when attachment wounds remain unhealed.
British psychoanalyst John Bowlby, a pioneer in attachment theory, proposed that humans are biologically wired to seek connection with caregivers as a survival strategy (Nielsen et al., 2017). This innate system—the attachment system—drives us to seek comfort and proximity during distress. Understanding this helps explain why relationships, though a source of deep connection, can also bring pain when early attachment needs go unmet.
In this blog, we’ll explore the four primary attachment styles, how they show up in adult relationships, and steps you can take to begin healing attachment wounds and moving toward secure connection.
Attachment styles are typically shaped in early childhood through interactions with primary caregivers. These styles fall into two broad categories: secure and insecure. Insecure attachment includes three subtypes: anxious, avoidant, and disorganized.
Here’s a brief overview of each:
A recent meta-analysis of over 20,000 parent-child pairs found that 51.6% had a secure attachment style, while 14.7% were avoidant, 10.2% anxious, and 23.5% disorganized (Madigan et al., 2023).
If you're curious about your own attachment style, you might start with an online quiz. For a more comprehensive understanding, seek out a therapist trained in attachment-based assessments, such as the Adult Attachment Questionnaire.
While attachment styles tend to remain stable over time, research shows that they can shift with significant life experiences, meaningful relationships, or therapy (Levy et al., 2018). Below are a few evidence-based practices to support healing and move toward secure relating.
Secure attachment equips individuals to manage distress in adaptive ways. In contrast, insecure styles often reflect defensive strategies developed in response to inconsistent or unavailable caregivers:
Developing emotional regulation skills is key to healing attachment wounds. Mindfulness-based practices and therapy modalities like Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)—especially the Emotion Regulation module—can help build tolerance and resilience in the face of relational stress.
Unhealed attachment wounds often show up in repeating dynamics. The beliefs formed in early relationships (e.g., “I’m not worthy of love” or “Others can’t be trusted”) tend to be reinforced in adult partnerships (Daly & Mallinckrodt, 2009).
Start by observing your relational patterns: Are you choosing emotionally unavailable partners? Do you tend to overfunction in relationships? Awareness is the first step toward change. Therapy provides a safe space to unpack these patterns and practice new ways of relating.
Healing attachment also involves connecting with parts of the self that were suppressed or neglected in childhood. These wounded parts often carry deep emotions—fear, shame, longing—that were too overwhelming at the time.
Therapies like Internal Family Systems (IFS) and Gestalt Therapy can help individuals reconnect with and care for these younger, more vulnerable parts (Daly & Mallinckrodt, 2009). For self-guided exploration, consider reading No Bad Parts by Dr. Richard Schwartz, the founder of IFS.
Attachment wounds can be painful, but they are also pathways to profound healing. While our earliest relationships shape our sense of safety and belonging, they do not have to define us forever. With self-awareness, emotional tools, and supportive relationships—including therapeutic ones—we can learn to love and be loved securely.
Whether you’re just beginning to explore your patterns or are deep in the work of healing, remember: it’s never too late to rewrite your relational story. You are not broken—just human. And healing happens in connection.
Daly, K. D., & Mallinckrodt, B. (2009). Experienced therapists’ approach to psychotherapy for adults with attachment avoidance or attachment anxiety. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 56(4), 549–563. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0016695
Hendrix, H. (2007). Getting the love you want: A guide for couples (20th anniversary ed.). Macmillan.
Jess, N., Moore, R., Kerr, K., Khoo, A., & Meurk, C. (2025). Maternal adult attachment style and posttraumatic stress disorder following childbirth: A systematic review. Traumatology. Advance online publication. https://dx.doi.org/10.1037/trm0000585
Levy, K. N., Kivity, Y., Johnson, B. N., & Gooch, C. V. (2018). Adult attachment as a predictor and moderator of psychotherapy outcome: A meta‐analysis. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 74(11), 1996–2013. https://doi.org/10.1002/jclp.22685
Madigan, S., Fearon, R. M. P., van IJzendoorn, M. H., Duschinsky, R., Schuengel, C., Bakermans-Kranenburg, M. J., Ly, A., Cooke, J. E., Deneault, A.-A., Oosterman, M., & Verhage, M. L. (2023). The first 20,000 strange situation procedures: A meta-analytic review. Psychological Bulletin, 149(1–2), 99–132. https://doi.org/10.1037/bul0000388
Nielsen, S. K. K., Lønfeldt, N., Wolitzky-Taylor, K. B., Hageman, I., Vangkilde, S., & Daniel, S. I. F. (2017). Adult attachment style and anxiety—The mediating role of emotion regulation. Journal of Affective Disorders, 218, 253–259. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jad.2017.04.047
